The Grace of Giving Up

The last two years have been a whirlwind of joy, successes, milestones, good food, great friends, and new adventures. In the midst of all of that joy, there have been some real challenges. There was a dark cloud that colored the past two years in my life, and it can be pinpointed to one thing: I did not take kindly to being a working mom.

After maternity leave, I lost the luxury of being at home with my Emma Beaux. It was tough to miss things like Emma’s first steps while I worked on projects that took me across the state and country. Hearing secondhand accounts of my child’s milestones hurt in ways I could not imagine. This heartache weighed on me and I struggled to be a good employee because half of my soul, heart, and being was miles away. I had one of those all-encompassing jobs that I thought required all of me. If you know me, you know that I have always given my all to work and academia because that’s where I found my greatest validation.  As a result, I did not have grace with myself, and decided that I could  not be the employee my company required and the super mom that Hollywood depicts.

I couldn’t. I cried. A lot. And then I quit my job.

Quitting was the best decision I could have made for myself and our family. Quitting initiated a few things: Calvin started a dream professional scenario, we took 3 months in Maine to heal and enjoy summer and family, and then we moved again, to a new place. I had no job, no career plan, and honestly I was equal parts excited to be a full-time mom and terrified of what that might mean. I had no idea what would fill our days or how I would nurture Emma’s precocious mind. Emma and I were both excited for our new adventure. However, our first day at home together was less heaven and more of a National Lampoon’s vacation from hell. I learned that toddlers require a lot of scheduling, and that fights between momma and kiddo can happen well before those teenage years. “Two-nagers” can be equally as sassy as pre-teens, let me tell ya.

Thankfully, God set provisions out for us. We set up a fun schedule, we made new friends, and we rarely said no to play. Those were our rules. We changed Emma’s nap time to coincide with the nap times of friends. We structured our days with morning play, time to reflect, and afternoon coffees with folks I admire. We plugged friends, libraries, museums, parks, and gyms into all of our free time. There was no deadline to meet, and no boss to please, so we embraced flexibility and self-care. To that end, I started practicing yoga and got to catch up on reading. Spending time with my girl helped me to get to know her and learn more about myself.

Recently, I started an incredible new job. I always  knew in my spirit that my time at home with Emma would not last forever. So I was determined to savor every moment. I wanted to be whole again. I wanted to find myself and be the type of mom that I dreamed of being. Leaving the corporate world for a beat allowed me to do this work. I had to quit to make room for play, and I had quit to realize my value. What I learned in my 8 months of being a full time mom was grace. I learned to have grace with myself, grace with my husband, and grace with a toddler and her independent spirit.

Grace brought me full circle. The issue wasn’t with being a working mom. It was with giving myself wholly to work that didn’t fulfill me. It was with trying to be all things to all people. Grace gave me the peace to find validation away from offices and work product. I was able to define my own success. Now, my work life is in the proper context and amplified by the smiles that I know will greet me when I log off for the day.

 

Fake News Is For The Children

Fake news is a global debate. NPR’s Avi Wolfman-Arent wrote a story  detailing how fake news is affecting students. Wolfman-Arent spoke to middle-school teacher Nick Gurol, who says his students now believe the Earth is flat because NBA player Kyrie Irving has been an outspoken proponent of the scientifically inaccurate theory. I sent this article around to some friends and we joked about how unfair it is that kids can blame fake news for ignorance. Can you imagine how poorly this would have gone over if we had tried this as lower school students? Where was fake news when we needed it?! Well, it’s never too late for justice. Here are some ways you can use fake news to help with adult life.

One of our favorite shows is “The Affair” starring Dominic West and Ruth Wilson as a couple with two different narratives around the same events. Each episode is split between their dueling vantage points which offer alternative, self-serving, and contradictory versions of the same incidents. It’s compelling because recollections of events are often like that no matter how loving relationships are. Scenes are viewed differently because humans have unique personal experiences that frame the way we process moments. For instance, Mo would like for you to believe that I was asleep during her contractions. This is simply not the case. Were my eyes closed? Yes.  Was I under the covers in our bed? Yes. Were snoring sounds coming from our room? Yes. Thanks to fake news I can now claim that my eyes were close because I was praying for the safe arrival of our baby. Now, we have a healthy and strong baby girl thanks to my praying. You’re welcome, Mo.

Also, not all fake news is bad for education. Jay Z may be an astute businessman, but he is not going to be your kids’ 4th grade math teacher. On the “The Life and Times of Sean Carter Vol. 3” he raps, “I’m the one like five divided by four.” Before alternative facts were accepted, this would have gotten a red letter “X” on his notebook paper. He’s got 99 problems and the remainder is 1. But let’s not cast stones at Mr. Z because he missed one little math problem. It has been a minute since my last lesson in long division. Emma may have some homework questions I can’t answer. No worries. All I have to do is apply a little alternative math like Jay Z and my wrong answers turn into cool rap lyrics. I might even win a Grammy. That’s what I call addition by subtraction.

Another delicious alternate truth is how tasty Tylenol is. If you offer Tylenol to Emma she will purse her lips and shake her head to reject it. However, if you pretend like you want to drink it and then offer it to her, she will greedily accept it. For this reason, we put on elaborate hoaxes about how good it tastes. Mo and I will even pretend to fight over the syringe containing the Tylenol until she snatches it from our hands and drains its contents. Popping (medicine) bottles and telling tall tales.

All jokes aside, I’m really excited to go on this journey of discovery with Emma. In the aforementioned article an Ivy League professor advises teachers to “give students the tools to think like a scientist. Teach them to gather evidence, check sources, deduce, hypothesize and synthesize results. Hopefully, then, they will come to the truth on their own.” Tall tales, myths, and inaccurate information have always existed. It’s our duty to help future generations ascertain what is real and what is not while in world where misinformation is prevalent. I may not have all the answers, but I know where to find them: The Onion and Babylon Bee.

Cancel Culture

Mo and I devote 30 minutes at the end of every day to decompressing and talking about the news. A topic that has popped up more than once in the last few months is “cancel culture” and what it means to society. Getting “canceled” means you have committed an infraction so egregious that you should be erased from the public eye forever. Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby currently headline an inglorious list of cancelled Hollywood figures.

I am 100% in support of people who have done bad things having to face the consequences of their actions. Depending on the circumstances, the consequences should include arrests, fines, and public apologies. However, I am afraid that the cancellation process lacks foresight and nuance in many cases and applies a one-size-fits all approach to cases of varying severity. Once a person has been cancelled, it is expected that any trace of their existence needs to disappear. In essence, their ability to atone for their mistakes has been canceled, as well. It would be irresponsible to proceed with habitual bad actors as if nothing ever happened. Banishment is clearly warranted in those cases. However, after a period of banishment, it may be important to see reformed bad actors in the public sector bringing time, resources, and voice to programs that empower those they have wronged.  A “canceled” individual isn’t welcomed to return in any space, and that may be an opportunity cost that eradicates valuable teaching tools.

I don’t believe that cancelation or utter destruction of every wrong doer serves the greater good. We all have different starting points and crossroads in our journeys. People should be held accountable for previous infractions, but we should allow some room for those who recognize their mistakes to have reasonable accommodation to atone. Growth in in the area of malfeasance, positive evolution as a person, and actions of penance should be celebrated. In my personal life I’ve had 180 degree changes on issues. In my youth I held beliefs that I no longer hold and did things that I now regret. However, I’ve had the benefit of life experiences and interactions with great humans to serve as a great teacher. None of us are perfect and all have fallen short in areas. Although we should all strive for perfection, none of us can reasonably expect to be our best selves at all times. In an age of 24 hour news and social media, mistakes are more visible than any time in history. This is a blessing and a curse. Bad actors can no longer cloak their misdeeds in darkness. Previously marginalized people now have outlets to share their pain, avenues to get justice, and support. However, your worst moment can be your legacy.

If you are willing to grow, your worst moment shouldn’t define you. However, if that one moment is indicative of larger character flaws, then it should be the quality associated with who you are. Weinstein terrorized women for years. Cosby was proven to be a serial rapist. Their punishments fit the crime. But I’m also reminded of Chris Hemsworth, and his apology to people of indigenous descent. When confronted about dressing up as Native Americans Chris expressed his deep regret by saying he would like to take the opportunity to confront the larger issues surrounding the mistake. He explained that he, “was stupidly unaware of the offense this may have caused and the sensitivity around this issue.”  Chris sincerely and unreservedly apologized to all First Nations people for his ignorance and thoughtless actions. He ended his apology by adding: “I now appreciate that there is a great need for a deeper understanding of the complex and extensive issues facing indigenous communities. I hope that in highlighting my own ignorance I can help in some small way.” Although he did a bad thing, he grew in a way that birthed positivity. In fact, he did not stop with an apology. He then threw his celebrity, resources, and platform to endorse issues plaguing indigenous communities. Canceling him before he had that opportunity would have removed an outcome where goodness prevails. It also removes any incentive for people who can change to behave better.

We have seen this in other instances, too. Dr. Seuss spent the end of his career devoting his literary talent to promote diversity. Many believe this was to make up for the offensive nature of his early work. The David depicted in the Old Testament of scripture spent his latter years in penance for mistakes made in his earlier years of leadership. The key designation is not that they were given a pass for their mistakes. Their mistakes were places where they found room to grow and do better after being taken to task for their errors. Folks who can accept that they committed a wrong, and find ways to rectify those ills deserve a place in society. Complete banishment should be reserved for those who do not demonstrate a desire or ability to serve penance to the communities or people they’ve hurt.

The best apology is changed behavior. If your words and actions do harm, you should be held accountable. If you say and do things that show growth and promote true healing, you can do real good despite past mistakes. You may not be able to return to places you once occupied, but you can learn to be a better person in a different space. There should be room to make mistakes. Also, there should be room to grow. It takes nuance to abhor injustice while celebrating growth and progress. Our perspectives change with new knowledge and experience. If we can demonstrate growth, we are worthy to be forgiven before we are cancelled completely.

Mundane Beauty

Having a kid has helped us to live in the present. Mo and I started this blog to have fun, and memorialize the mundane moments that make life grand. Those moments, however, have made it nearly impossible to write. Life is busy. We wake up early, I run to the gym, come home to make coffee and breakfast while Mo feeds our kiddo, and then we start our days.

Many of you know that we moved from Washington, D.C. to Austin, Texas last year. Mo had a unique opportunity to work on a great project with the Austin Independent School District. I had the amazing opportunity of supporting her this year by becoming the lead parent while managing a few very cool projects. Those projects allowed me to work from home, travel less, and spend more time with Emma which freed up Mo to do a deep dive into her work. I have learned so much about life, love, and priorities during this time.

For personal reasons, we wanted to avoid daycare and nannies for the first two years of Emma’s life. This has required us to be intentional about our time together. Part of this intentionality included scheduled dates. Being busy has made marriage even more fun. To accomplish a night of drinks, dinner, and dancing we need a babysitter. Also, scheduling a day around a date means that we probably won’t see each other until it’s time to go out. It feels like we’re in upper school and I’m trying to make time to see the object of my puppy love. These dates have helped me become a better partner, father, and business person. I want to quickly explore those avenues.

Partner
Women in the workforce are under so much unfair additional stress. Emma breastfed for 9 months. To provide nourishment for our child Mo had to schedule 25 minutes into her morning sets of meetings, pump during lunch, and find ways to pump during her afternoon office hours. I never even considered how difficult it must be for women who travel often for work to be away from their young children or how many accommodations they must make to make those trips possible. These realizations have helped me to see Mo more clearly for who she really is: a queen, a rock, and an unbreakable force to be reckoned with. I’m lucky she’s on my side.

Father
I never thought I would be a dad. I just figured I would be a cool uncle who never settled down and had all of my paternal instincts satiated by living vicariously through my sister. When we decided to grow our family it was because we both felt like we had so much love that we wanted to share and we were grateful that we were able to share that with another person. We were fortunate to have 3 months each of maternity and paternity leave. For logistical reasons, we opted to use our time together. During our leave is when I realized how useless dads are in the early stages of a child’s life. Mom wakes up to feed, mom makes the milk, and mom has to adjust to having a new body. Being at home with Emma helped me to learn how to meet her needs, discover ways to assist Mo, and understand how to be the person I need to be to help give our child every advantage in life.

Business Person
This may sound wild to you, but being so busy has helped me to become more efficient. To meet deadlines, create work product, and farm new business I have to ensure that I am maximizing my time. This necessity has kept me off ESPN during “office hours” and given me the focus I should have developed in graduate school. Also, I have a family who needs me, so I only accept work that is profitable and is something that I am comfortable being apart of the legacy she sees.

We have a lot of exciting things happening in our lives, and we’re extremely busy. But we started this blog to have fun, and memorialize the mundane moments that make life grand. And we’re going to have fun sharing lots of fun news when the time is right.